Rudolph The Reindeer Credits BJJ For His Transformation From Bullying Victim To Celebrity

December 24, 2017

In an exclusive interview with the Jiu-Jitsu Times, celebrity philanthropist and body-positivity activist Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer spoke out for the first time about how Brazilian jiu-jitsu “changed his life.”

“I was embarrassed about who I was before. I thought my appearance meant everything because [all of the other reindeer] used to make me feel like that was all that mattered,” he said, his coat drenched in sweat after an hour-long class at ChristMats BJJ academy. “Now I know that even though my perceived flaw was only accepted after it was found to be exploitable, it’s my inner strength that truly matters. And I would have never figured that out if it weren’t for jiu-jitsu.”

Rudolph said that although his training was more about building up his own self esteem rather than tearing others down, the athleticism he gained through jiu-jitsu helped him “dominate” his peers at the very sports they once prohibited him from joining. “It’s like, yeah, you were a D-1 Reindeer Games champion back in the day, but how does that help you get out of a triangle choke?” he said with a shrug.

The cardio and confidence that Rudolph developed were particularly useful on Christmas Eve many years ago, when his employer (known publicly as “Santa Claus”) asked him to lead his team of reindeer through inclement weather. Rudolph claims that before jiu-jitsu, the endeavor would have been impossible. But after spending countless hours rolling with magical snowmen and overenthusiastic BJJ globetrotters, the journey was just another challenge.

“If I can get through all of Frosty’s hoof hook attempts without tapping, flying to a couple billion houses in one night isn’t going to do me in,” he said, drawing out the word “attempts.”

The trip made the bioluminescent reindeer a legend, and despite his celebrity status, he insists that he’s just like every other flying reindeer out there. “People used to call me a ‘figment of children’s imaginations’ or a ‘biological impossibility’, but now they call me Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” he says, pronouncing it as “Hudolph the Hed-Nosed Heindeer”. “Don’t let people laugh and call you names. You, too, can go down in history.”

Rudolph still reprises his famous role every year, but now he’s focusing on bigger goals… like scoring a superfight against Garry Tonon. “He used to call himself the Lion Killer, but my sources are now telling me he’s been calling himself the Caribou Crippler. Trying to shape his mustache like antlers, the whole thing. Well when he’s ready, I’ll run him over just like i ran over Grandma.”

It’s uncertain if the match between a literal and metaphorical animal will ever come to fruition, but no matter how Rudolph’s athletic career plays out, he’ll always be ready to roll at the North Pole.