In a move that has been applauded by clean energy activists, Santa Claus has foregone the traditional giving of coal to instead present one ill-behaved jiu-jitsu practitioner with a “gift” he’ll never forget.
The recipient, who refused to give out his name but was later identified as “Little Bobby” on the North Pole’s official government Naughty List, told the Jiu-Jitsu Times that Mr. Claus hand-delivered him a case of ringworm at this year’s Christmas open mat.
“I thought he was just a weird old dude at first,” said Little Bobby, 31. “He was fat and had a big fluffy white beard, but I figured he was just going to come in for a trial class, figure out pretty quick that jiu-jitsu and Tai Chi aren’t the same thing, and never come back.”
Looking back, Little Bobby says that he may have missed some subtle signs about who the newcomer really was. “I’d seen camouflage gis and neon gis before, so while the red one he was wearing stuck out… I’m not the fashion police, so what do I care? The sleigh parked outside — again, a little odd, but everyone’s driving those energy-efficient vehicles these days anyway.”
In fact, Little Bobby didn’t realize who he was rolling with until after Mr. Claus had already given him ringworm. “He was trying to get me in an RNC, but I thought it was weird that he was trying extra hard to rub his wrist on the side of my neck,” said Little Bobby. “After he tapped me — I mean, it was more like a crank than a choke, and I could’ve gotten out of it if I tried, but anyway — I noticed the symptoms on the underside of his wrist. He saw me look, winked at me, and said, ‘Everyday po-ho-ho-ho-rrada.’ It was f*cked up, man.”
After Mr. Claus had initially revealed himself, Little Bobby was still left unsure about why he’d been given ringworm. The Jiu-Jitsu Times contacted Mr. Claus in search of answers.
“Little Bobby isn’t a bad kid,” said Mr. Claus of the adult man with an apartment and crippling student debt. “He’s just Naughty. You don’t get to pretend to be a cowboy in a new video game when you’ve committed unspeakable acts against the innocent, even when you’re a regular Saint Nick for the rest of the year.”
When the Jiu-Jitsu Times asked if those “unspeakable acts” involved heelhooking white belts, we were immediately shushed. “Did I stutter? What other ‘unspeakable acts against the innocent’ are there?” said Mr. Claus moments before abruptly concluding the conversation.
“It’s clearly a touchy subject for him,” said Little Bobby, who has since sought treatment for his ringworm and is expected to be back on the mats soon. “Maybe he got heelhooked as a white belt, maybe he got heelhooked by a white belt.” When we asked Little Bobby if Mr. Claus’ claims were true, however, he replied, “No comment.”
A follow-up call to Mr. Claus was redirected to one of his elves. When we asked if there were any other Naughty List crimes our readers should be aware of, we received this response: “You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout. I’m telling you why: Santa Claus is giving staph to anyone who taps to side control pressure.”
