Good news for every guy whose favorite hobbies include wearing a “Tapout” shirt and yelling “Stand them up!” in a chicken wing chain restaurant: you don’t have to earn the coveted “BMF” belt, you can just buy it on the internet.
Ok, so it’s not the BMF belt that now belongs to Jorge Masvidal, but it’s a replica, and it can be yours for the low, low cost of $850. That’s right — if you’re sitting there with $850 too much in your bank account and wondering how you’re going to free up that space for newer, more valuable money, you can just spend it on a replica BMF belt.
If it sounds like I’m making fun of this product, I want to make it clear that I am. “You’re just jealous you don’t have $850 to spend on something that will make you happy like a replica BMF belt,” says an internet commenter from across the vale. This is not a point that I debate. I would love to have $850 that I could spend on a BMF belt the same way I spend $2.20 on a Kinder Surprise hoping that the tiny toy inside will restore the joy of my youth for only a moment before I forget about it forever. But unfortunately, I don’t have that kind of money, and so I offer the perspective that those interested in purchasing the belt could instead donate that money to me so that I could spend it on something slightly less ridiculous than a
I want to make the point, however, that the description for this thing is art:
“The ‘BMF’ Replica Belt is a limited offer so don’t miss your chance to own a piece of UFC history. Photos of belt shown are of actual belt and not the replica belt offered. This truly is a ‘Bad Mother F*#@ing’ belt!!! It’s a one a kind, and it takes a BMF to own one!”
Yes, you read that correctly. The photos in this official product on the actual UFC website are not even of the replica belt. I don’t know why this is funny to me, but it is. It feels like when you see an ad for a fast-food burger and that thing looks like it was made from the meat of heaven’s cows, and then you get it and, like, maybe it’s a piece of tire rubber between two socks, but we’ll never know because we’re too ashamed to have standards.
The BMF belt, too, feels like it’s part of the same conspiracy-theory-fueling propaganda scheme, and it’s triggering my trust issues. Why aren’t you showing us the replica belt, UFC? Is the faux leather* it’s made of actually made from the same material as real fast food burger patties? Is there an entire faux cow out there that’s bred and butchered for its weird body parts? Is “it’s a one a kind” a plea for help from the copyeditor for the UFC’s website, and am I a monster for ignoring it?
The killer for me, though, is that this $850 belt comes with its own “black zippered carrying case.” The mere existence and inclusion of the case implies a lot of uncomfortable truths, namely that the UFC believes there is a significant market of people out there with $850 to spend on a replica. BMF. belt. who want to not just hang it in one place in their home, but also take it outside of their home, perhaps even over a great distance.
I’ve tried to rationalize the existence of the carrying case by asking how else you would get the thing from place to place, ignoring the “why” of such necessity, but the fact is that you can literally wear it around your waist and still have both hands free, as is the nature of belts. “But then you have people asking why you’re wearing a replica BMF belt,” you protest, and this encourages me to imagine a world where people wouldn’t ask why you’re carrying a replica BMF belt in its own specifically made carrying case. I fail.
You can buy your very own REPLICA BMF BELT here.
*Jokes aside, I’m very glad that this is made of faux leather because if a real cow had died to make a replica BMF belt, I would have spent the remainder of my life in a blind rage.