Three Rules Every Fake BJJ Black Belt Should Know

So, you’ve never trained a day in your life and you want to tell the world you’re a BJJ black belt?

Good for you!

Well, not good for you. You’re a piece of shit, and if I had any political power, “people” like you would be stripped of basic human rights.

But let’s forget that part for now.

You have your belt around your waist, you’re ready to earn the respect of the BJJ community, and the thought that what you’re doing is a slap in the face to everyone who has bled and broken bones on the mats does not even penetrate the outer layers of your thick dome.

What do you do?

1) Don’t roll with anyone . . . ever!

You have obviously gone through quite a bit of effort ordering your belt online, and the last thing you want to do is risk all of that hard work by having a legit grappler expose you for the fraud you are.

Avoid the risk entirely by never rolling with anyone . . . ever!

Rolling is a dangerous activity that requires you to use techniques that you probably could not perform against a cooperative opponent, never mind one who is trying to dislocate your limbs.

It also requires some strength and endurance, and all of those years of lying and cutting corners probably did not give you much time to hit the weights.

Thankfully, babbling your way out of some friendly rolling has never been easier. Simply feign injury or (like the guy in the second video) tell everyone you don’t roll.

Had the “instructor,” in this video known that, he might still have a job at the UFC gym.

2) Learn at least something about the techniques you are teaching

So, you’re smart enough to steer clear of any rolling, but you don’t even want to take five minutes out of your day to watch a video on proper single leg technique, never mind actually go to a gym and learn it.

Bad idea, my friend!

Even if your students can’t tell the difference between a real single leg takedown and your . . . um . . . leg grab thingy . . . students with real belts from real instructors can.

And those students might just visit your “school” one day.

Avoid this embarrassing predicament by mustering the three minutes worth of patience necessary to sit through one of YouTube’s treasure trove of BJJ techniques.

They won’t make you a black belt, but if you study them really, really, really hard, you might lower your chances of looking like the poor guy in this video.

3) If you are caught, apologize, apologize, and apologize again

Let’s face the facts: if you get in a gym with a real black belt (or two-stripe white belt, for that matter), you’re going to get caught.

And when you do, it is time to kiss some serious ass.

Take it from this guy who was dumb enough to try pulling one over on Miami black belt, Ruben Alvarez: if you apologize repeatedly, your instructor might not only allow you back to class with your limbs firmly intact, but someone somewhere might take pity on you.

That someone won’t be me, though.


  1. Chris, this is a serious question that I hope to get multiple answers from (other posters). In the town next to me there is a black belt that doesn’t grapple, or train, yet gives everybody and anybody a black belt after 2-4 years of training. Each of the black belts he gives, the students are some of the poorest practitioners of BJJ I have ever seen. It is horrible for the sport, and his students believe they are levels above their actual skills. He has given over 20 black belts to students who would not beat some of the new blue belts at my school. Should somebody do anything about this?


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