BJJ Purple Belt Defends God-Given Right To Sweat Into People’s Mouths During A Pandemic

A jiu-jitsu purple belt is speaking up after being scolded by a medical professional for organizing an open mat during the COVID-19 outbreak.

The online dispute started when Jimmy Lewis, 31, shared a photo on Instagram of nine people rolling together despite repeated warnings from scientists and the government to maintain six feet of distance between other people. He also shared a photo to Facebook depicting the participants holding up their middle fingers while wearing gis and surgical masks after their training session. His Facebook friend, Alaina Pewter, commented on the photo, “Yikes buddy, not a good idea to be doing that right now. People need to take this seriously and self-isolate. Also our hospital is in desperate need of those masks, so I hope you can donate some since you seem to know where to find them.”

“She thinks that just because she works in a hospital, she knows what she’s talking about,” said Lewis. “She’s a nurse, which is cool, but it’s not like she’s a doctor. How would she know more than me about this? Bit of an overreaction to a friendly post, if you ask me.”

Lewis, still riled up by Pewter’s comment a day later, took it upon himself to share his complete feelings on social media the next day: “It’s come to my attention that some people are uncomfortable with me rubbing my sweaty body onto other people’s sweaty bodies during an outbreak that is escalating by the day. And I just want to say to those people, what’s your problem? Is it worth sacrificing our unalienable right to touch one person’s face immediately after holding onto another person’s foot just to protect the spread of an illness that is killing people? To me, that sounds like fascism.”

“Jiu-jitsu is an essential service,” he continued in the post. “If I do not get my required daily serving of another person’s sweat falling into my mouth or eyeball, I will be mildly inconvenienced. Am I even truly alive if my right to breathe directly onto someone’s head during a rear naked choke is infringed upon? This is what our forefathers had in mind when they wrote the Constitution, and I will not stand for anyone — government, medical professionals, or otherwise — trampling upon my freedoms.”

When reminded of all the free training resources that had been provided during the outbreak to help people train alone at home, Lewis scoffed. “You don’t become a World Champion by training at home. My rivals are doing what it takes to be good at our sacred art of Taking Out Saliva-Covered Mouthguards and Then Touching Each Other.”

Lewis justified his argument by citing the sage wisdom of his coach, who has a black belt in jiu-jitsu, a high school diploma, and zero other qualifications in any academic or career field. “This whole virus is just the result of fear-mongering by the media,” the coach had posted on Facebook three days prior. “Classes are canceled for now as mandated by the government, but if you have a key to the gym and wanna do privates or small open mats, I won’t tell 😉 “

“He’s been training for over a decade in fishing around in his mouth to remove someone’s leg hair and then slapping hands to start a roll, so I trust his opinion,” said Lewis. When reminded that real scientists and doctors are sharing their experiences on their personal social media accounts that are completely unaffiliated with any media company, Lewis raised an eyebrow. “Who are you going to trust more: people who have spent years learning about diseases and medicine, or a black belt?”

At press time, Lewis had stated his plans to go out to a popular bar later that night, sharing a selfie with the caption, “Work hard, play hard. Feeling great after a tough training session today. #DrillersMakeKillers”


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