Local Turkey Uses Jiu-Jitsu To Control Aggressive Farmer Until The Cops Arrive

A turkey in Minnesota has been labeled a “hero” in his own community and “a terrifying force of nature” by police after thwarting his caretaker’s attempt to murder him.

The incident took place earlier this week when “Thomas” (fake name used upon request) noticed that something was off about his caretaker, Harold Lawson. The turkey alleges that Lawson attempted to murder him in broad daylight after “slaughtering” at least a dozen of his companions. The sudden change in behavior was alarming for Thomas, who says that Lawson had shown no signs of wanting to harm him before and had in fact been feeding and caring for him and his fellow turkeys since their birth.

“[Gobbling noises],” Thomas told the Jiu-Jitsu Times in an emotional interview. “[More insistent gobbling noises] [softer gobble].”

Lawson, for his part, doesn’t deny the allegations. “I’m a farmer. They turkeys are livestock. This is what happens before Thanksgiving,” he told the Jiu-Jitsu Times in a call from his hospital bed.

Thomas told the local police that after he realized Lawson’s intent, his natural instincts kicked in. He says he doesn’t remember much, but when the scuffle was over, he held Lawson calmly in a triangle choke. Thomas then reached into Lawson’s pocket and used the farmer’s cell phone to call the police.

“[Gobble],” said Thomas, adding that he was grateful to the police for their professionalism and urgency in the matter.

“We didn’t know what was going on. We were told the 911 call sounded like screaming and what may have been an army of turkeys in the background,” said Officer Teresa Soto, who responded to the call. “We had no idea what we were walking into, only that we had to get there fast.”

Lawson was taken to the hospital with only minor injuries, save a deep gash on his leg that he says was caused by one of the “bystander turkeys” who seemed to want to get in some extra damage while he was in Thomas’ control.

Thomas, for his part, says that he finds it absurd that a turkey using jiu-jitsu to control an attacker is a novel idea. He has since discussed setting up a self-defense program for all poultry with plans to expand into the cattle and pig communities in the future. He will not have charges pressed against him.

“What are we gonna do, execute him?” said Officer Soto. “He didn’t technically do anything wrong. He saved himself from being killed, just as any of us would’ve done. We’re more concerned about how a turkey can learn a martial art from watching UFC fights through a living room window.”

Thomas is currently waiting by his newly acquired cell phone to be contacted for a Gracie Breakdown.


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