“I Just See Red, Man,” Says Guy Digging His Elbows Into Your Thighs

Flickr/Creative Common: Vinicius Pescador

Shocking news today as one man’s claim of turning into a force of unrestrained violence during physical combat is now stuck inside your closed guard.

The man, who is currently in the middle of his free trial class, had previously touted his experience as a street fighter, claiming multiple victories against security guards, drunk men “with beef,” and one ex-girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend.

“I was a little nervous about coming in today,” he told your coach as he signed the waiver. “I’ve got combat experience, but not under rules, you know what I mean? The second someone comes at me, I just see red, man. I can’t hold back. I could kill someone. And that scares me.”

The raw, primitive rage has now manifested in him digging his elbows into your inner thighs intermittently for the past three minutes.

“I let him go once,” you tell the Jiu-Jitsu Times as you gently push him away during one of his sudden Ezekial choke attempts. “But he keeps diving back in. Seems to really think this is prime territory for winning.”

Prior to the beginning of class, the man had told the Jiu-Jitsu Times that while he’d never had any formal coaching, he’d picked up a few things from watching UFC events.

“Armbar, bam. Guillotine, bam. Get to the back? Bam. RNC,” he said, unaware that thirty minutes later, he would be making strange noises as he tried to Americana you from bottom mount.

“Look,” you sigh. “After the round finishes, I’ll give him a few pointers. But right now, he’s clearly a mindless killing machine. Who knows what could happen if I go easy on him?” You give him a little bit of space, and he seizes the opportunity to roll over until he’s flat on his stomach beneath you. You shake your head. “See? Like grappling with the Grim Reaper.”

To absolutely nobody’s surprise, however, it is he who gives you the pointers after the bell rings. “Not bad,” he says, “But if you’re fighting three guys at once, and they all have knives, and they’ve already broken both your legs with a baseball bat, that sh*t would never work.”

When asked how he would approach fighting three knife-wielding men if he had two broken legs, he told the Jiu-Jitsu Times, “I’d never give them the chance to break my legs in the first place. Next question.”

As of press time, the Trial Class Guy has not yet decided if he’ll return. “I think I need to get in there, get some real fights under my belt first. I just learn better that way. Then I’ll come back and refine my instincts in class. I know it’s not how most people learn, but…” He taps his temple. “I’m built different.”


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