Fat Bearded Man Gets Choked Out After Breaking Into Home Of Jiu-Jitsu Black Belt

A man with a white beard currently known only by his first name is in stable condition after being choked to sleep following a suspected burglary attempt on the night of Christmas Eve.

BJJ black belt Raul Calderon told the Jiu-Jitsu Times that he was asleep in his bed when he heard a noise downstairs, prompting him to “leap” out of bed and hurry downstairs.

“I keep my doors and windows locked at all times, but based on the mess, it looked like he managed to get down through the chimney,” said Calderon, who added that the suspect was wearing a bright red suit.

Calderon says that the man, who called himself “Nicholas,” seemed disoriented. “He kept asking me if I had any cookies and milk,” he said with a shrug. “If he hadn’t taken such desperate measures to get into my home, I would’ve thought he was just a confused senior citizen who’d just wandered into the wrong house.”

In fact, Calderon says he was ready to give the suspect the benefit of the doubt until Nicholas pulled a large sack from the fireplace. “Who knows what he had in there? Guns? A bomb? Dismembered body parts?” said Calderon, who added that he did try to ask the uninvited guest what was in the bag before resorting to drastic measures. “He was clearly unhinged. He kept saying ‘I brought you the new PlayStation. There’s a PS5 in here, Raul. You can have it if you choose not to be naughty right now.’ And like… who says ‘naughty’ anymore? It’s weird, man. It’s real weird.”

When Nicholas turned around to reach into the bag, Raul made the snap decision to put his jiu-jitsu skills to use. He took the suspect down and applied a rear naked choke with “relative ease,” waiting until Nicholas had gone unconscious before finally calling 911.

Local police confirmed to the Jiu-Jitsu Times that they’d arrested a man matching Nicholas’ description at Calderon’s residence. Upon examination, the mysterious sack did indeed contain a brand new PlayStation 5 still in the unopened box along with over a hundred additional items believed to have been stolen from other homes in the neighborhood. However, at press time, there had been no reports of other break-ins or stolen goods from nearby shops or homes.

“We’re still trying to understand the circumstances that led to this situation,” said one of the arresting officers. “Including how an overweight, elderly man managed to get on Mr. Calderon’s roof in the first place while carrying over 300 pounds in a bag.”

The alleged would-be burglar’s surprising agility and strength have made Calderon even more grateful for his knowledge of martial arts. “We learn on the mats that you can’t underestimate anyone,” he says. “I’ve been crushed by countless masters competitors over the years, and if this guy knew anything about how to defend against a choke, or if he’d had a gun or a knife, who knows what would’ve happened?”

Nicholas is currently awaiting trial, and the department is asking for the public’s help in searching for any family or friends known to him. “He keeps yelling at us, ‘You idiots! You’ve ruined Christmas!’ We just want anyone looking for him to know that though he’s in some trouble, he’s safe indoors and not freezing in the cold.”


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