The coronavirus pandemic has put an emotional strain on many jiu-jitsu practitioners who have been longing to return to the mats and choke their problems away. But now, a rift is forming between BJJ practitioners and their body parts.
In a bold declaration that goes against the opinions of My Brain, both My Left Knee and My Right Knee have told the Jiu-Jitsu Times that they are “quite fond” of “this whole ‘coronavirus’ thing.”
“Our host’s decision to stay home instead of training has been nothing short of a blessing for us,” said My Left Knee, wiping away an emotional drop of sweat. “Our host’s two hobbies are reading weird Wikipedia entries and taking too long to tap to heel hooks, and we’re forever grateful to her for abandoning the latter during the pandemic.”
My Right Knee supported the sentiment. “I hear her promoting jiu-jitsu to all her friends. ‘It keeps you young,’ she says. ‘My body is the most powerful it’s ever been,’ she says. Does she not hear the way we sound like Rice Krispies in milk every time she gets out of bed in the morning? Does she think that sound is normal?”
“Don’t even get me started on this !#$%,” said My Neck, whose opinion I specifically remember not asking for. “On what planet is it acceptable to invert as much as she does? And then someone puts her in a head-arm choke and she’s all, ‘Oh I can wait this out, their arms will get tired before I need to tap.’ $&#%, do you even hear yourself?”
Now, all of my body parts are getting the rest they deserve, and some are speaking out against alleged “abuse” that they claim I’ve put them through “for years.”
“We have been trying to grow, to fulfill our evolutionary purpose, but she just cuts us down each time,” said all of My Nails. “This is the first time in — how long has it been, Fingers? — some eight-ish years that we’ve been allowed to reach our full potential. She’s even painting us, which, wow, I didn’t even know we meant that much to her.”
My Brain was the only dissenting body part to give its opinion on the matter. “Personally, I’m quite distressed about —“
“Stay out of this, you wrinkly gray %#&$,” interrupted My Neck. “You’re not the one who has to hear other people go ‘Oh I wish my neck did that’ whenever you crack loud enough to break the sound barrier. Honey, that noise is not a good thing.”
My Ankles confirmed My Neck’s frustrations. “She’ll get into a leg entanglement with someone and Right Ankle and I will sound like popping bubble wrap, and the other person will let go in horror, and our host will just say, ‘Don’t worry, that’s a good crack,'” said My Left Ankle. “No, that’s from that time you didn’t tap to a toehold and didn’t learn your lesson when it happened to Right Ankle a month later. It didn’t crack like that before.”
Shortly before this article’s publication, My Hips informed the Jiu-Jitsu Times of a secret plot between My Knees and My Spine to get me to try yoga. Though we believe the idea to be a bit outlandish, we have chosen to pursue the lead, as My Hips don’t lie.
