Purple Belt Who Swore To “Kick This Year’s [Butt]” Gets Butt Kicked All Year

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In a stunning update everyone saw coming, local purple belt Ian Lewis failed to live up to the expectations he set for himself at the beginning of the year.

Lewis, 30, began trash-talking the year before last year was even over, writing multiple lengthy posts comparing himself to various apex predators and saying that “no one was ready” for what they’d see from him this year. He doubled down after January 1, saying that he would “kick this year’s a*s” and “make this year [his] b*tch,” accompanying each threat with a picture of a wolf and a lion, respectively.

The Jiu-Jitsu Times checked in with Lewis earlier today to see if he had any updates on his planned domination of the year, and we received a vague response. “I definitely made some big improvements in my game, for sure,” he said. “But, you know, roadblocks, am I right?” When asked about what ‘roadblocks’ Lewis was referring to, he replied, “You know, man. Just life.”

When contacted for comment, the year had its own perspective on what had happened. “Ian does this to every year. My predecessors warned me about his empty threats, and I dismissed them. He came at me with everything he had in the beginning — a clean diet, dedicated training schedule, clear goals in mind, you name it. I was actually worried up until about February,” it said. “After that, it got pretty cruisy for me.”

Still, the year didn’t let Lewis do all the work in losing the battle. “Look, the kid was already sabotaging himself, and who am I to not take advantage of a great opportunity? He signs up for an expensive tournament despite getting lazy with his training, still high and mighty thinking he’s going to shove some pajama wrestling medal in my face, and bam — knee injury, brought to him by yours truly,” it said.

The injury prompted Lewis to drop out of the tournament and miss three weeks of training, and from there, the year got to sit back and relax. “I wasn’t ‘slacking off,'” said Lewis. “Watching TV instead of training was crucial to expanding my creativity on the mats. And the average McDonald’s burger has way more protein in it than you’d think.”

Still, Lewis was eventually able to clean up his diet and force himself to dedicate more time to the mats. He was finally starting to feel like his old self, he says, and the year once again had to put some more effort into the fight. “I had to pull a few strings for this move,” it said, “but it was worth it in the end. I convinced his boss to move his hours around so they just happened to overlap with all of the weeknight classes at his gym. Hard to achieve your jiu-jitsu goals when the only classes you can attend are Saturday fundamentals and Sunday open mat, am I right?”

The year was very certain that it had won the fight, but Lewis appeared to be in denial on the first day of the new year. In typical fashion, he once again wrote a long post on Facebook (a screenshot of which he also posted to his Instagram) recounting 365 days that the year remembers very differently:

“This year tried to knock me down, but it couldn’t keep me there. I’ve been through hell and back, bouncing from obstacle to obstacle. It was tough sometimes, not gonna lie, but my hunger to win is too strong for fate. I could tell the haters were waiting on me to give up, but I was born for greatness, and I will pursue it with all my might. I gave everything I had to make my wildest dreams happen this year, and while I didn’t achieve all my goals, I came pretty damn close. Closer than all my HATERS, that’s for sure!!! New year, enhanced me. Just watch — this year will be MY year. Stay out of my way. #groundismyocean”

The post was accompanied by a photo of a shark.

“I mean, first of all, holy sh*t, calm down dude, your ‘destiny’ isn’t to be anything more than a moderately successful hobbyist,” said the year after the Jiu-Jitsu Times made it aware of the post. “But also, beating him wasn’t even that hard. I put Lachlan-F*cking-Giles up against some of the biggest, toughest dudes in the game and had to whip out Gordon Ryan to finally stop him. Now that was a challenge. And little Ian Lewis thinks I gave him my best. Please.”

At press time, the year had declared its retirement, passing on the proverbial torch to its predecessor, and Lewis had already threatened the new year three times on Facebook


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