The Jiu-Jitsu Times is sorry to report that That Freaking Guy on your newsfeed believes he would come out on top in an apocalyptic scenario.
It’s the latest declaration of a complete lack of self-awareness from That Freaking Guy who showed up for one jiu-jitsu class and bragged about winning multiple “street fights” before attempting to Americana everyone from closed guard. Sources say he was submitted exactly fourteen times before declaring that he was “taking it easy on everyone” because he “didn’t want to hurt them” and sitting out for the remainder of class.
Reports are now showing that That Freaking Guy, who added you on Facebook even though you’re not sure how he even knew your name, has now shared a post that strongly implies he believes he’s the main character in his own apocalypse story. “I’ve been training for this situation my whole life,” began the post, which was accompanied by a photo of That Freaking Guy flexing in a toothpaste-splattered mirror. “When the world goes crazy and your [sic.] coming for my food or my toilet paper, trust me, I’ll be doing whatever it takes to keep what I earned. Gotta look out for number one cuz no ones loyal in normal life let alone the end of the world smh.”
Another person from your gym who also saw the post said, “Jeez, That Freaking Guy. He always shares stuff like that. Always posting about his ‘haters’ and how anyone who messes with his ‘boys’ will have to answer to him. It’s like when you were a teenager and you’d change your Away message to get your crush’s attention. But this guy is somewhere between 19 and 45 — you know the look. Either way, too old to be doing that sh*t. No one respects him enough to have beef with him.”
Another one of That Freaking Guy’s Facebook friends, who knows him by his alias, This F*cking Dude, says she met him at a chicken wing restaurant while she was with a group of her friends watching a UFC event. “He came up to us at the bar and started explaining the fights to us. But we’ve all been training Muay Thai for years, and the stuff he was saying was just so off-base, I had to speak up and tell him that he didn’t know what he was talking about. He told me it was hot to see two ‘chicks’ beating each other up, and we just ignored him from then on out. I guess I came up as a suggested friend for him on Facebook, because a few weeks later, he had added me on there. I almost didn’t accept, but his page is a daily uplifting reminder that even on my bad days, I’m not that bad.”
The Jiu-Jitsu Times reached out to That Freaking Guy to ask him how he planned to survive a potential apocalyptic scenario, and he replied with confidence. “Look, I’ve been preparing for this for ages,” he said, citing the five open mats he’d attended at various jiu-jitsu gyms over the past year. “My academy training was nothing compared to the real-world experience I have. I’m brutally honest, you know, and I guess I just rub some people the wrong way, so I’ve had to defend myself. I’m so dangerous that I’m banned from, like, five bars in the city.”
We regret to inform our readers That Freaking Guy actually believes he’s the pinnacle of human evolution. “I’m not going to get the virus, first of all. Second of all, I pity the man who tries to infect me or disrupt my way of life. My body is a weapon. He has a gun, I have a gun, he has a knife, I have a knife, but his body won’t be able to protect him from the knowledge that I have in hand-to-hand combat.” That Freaking Guy denied having any military experience and confirmed that his only formal training had come in the form of two striking intro classes and the aforementioned open mats.
Our latest update on the situation is that That Freaking Guy just shared a photo of three bags of pasta next to a kitchen knife, with a caption that reads “Come and take it.”
